Tea with Bette D.
Innocent Gossip from the Trenches
Sunday, November 11
Greetings,
Salutations, and a grand Final Night welcome to another trip into the world of
innocent gossip as this humble writer tries to fill you in on all that has
happened this week. It’s all in fun so take it with a grain of salt and a large
cup of Kofi.
Where do we start?
If nothing else, yesterday and last night were certainly most exciting. First
off, congratulations to everyone who got a preliminary award. Keep in mind the
new scoring system and the fact that the awards were only for placement in your
group. You may not have received any awards, but still score high enough to
make the top twelve, or you could even have a handful of plaques, but not be in
the finals. So its all u in the air until we call the names tonight.
Now on to the Tea
you all are thirsty for. Ready, Set, Spill. After the well coordinated
evacuation from the club to the hotel,
Miss Porkchop
organized the championship spades tournament held in the hotel food court. I
guess the card games turned more into a fashion show as Whitney Paige displayed
the new alterations to her lovely gown. When pressed by Dena to explain the new
design, she pointed out that she did it herself, as opposed to the car wreck
that had attacked fellow titleholder
Dena Cass’s
couture design.
You know these big
girls and their food courts. They never seem to have the right restaurants.
Dena has
been searching desperately for the booth that is serving up fried chicken with a
side of Black Back-up Dancer. If you could let her know the address of the
right food stand/hotel room, please do.
Well, even though
Dena did
not find her meal, she was seen heading off down the first floor wing in search
of Dessert where the everpopular McHappy Pills were to be found. I hope she
got fast service since there were quite a few people in line with her.
While soaring
through the upper reaches of the mental atmosphere, (please note the use of
euphemisms to protect the guilty) it seems we had a lot of philosophers. Among
the various things overheard were
Miss Markstone’s
observation that if “12 queens show up in Dallas with 12 midgets, she is going
to demonstrate her new talent number that involves the use of machine guns and
live ammunition.”
Seems we found
out the reason that
Miss Markstone,
the Snow Queen, is here this week. Seems she’s having a family reunion here in
the hotel. If you know Lilly, you have heard the stories about her and
Daniel Hunter’s
wonderful experiences in New Orleans during there days as hot looking young
BOYS. Especially the ones about the well endowed young man that they both had
relations with. Seems that this hot stud they remember so fondly was none other
than
Miss Lola Lasagne.
It was quite the scene when they realized that they already knew each other in
the truest biblical sense of the word. I hear that Alicia is giving quite good
references about Miss Lola.
I think we need to
make sure that the hotel puts out a bowl of cream on the breakfast bar for all
the kitty cats that were hanging out last night.
Miss Erika,
has been studying her competition from Miss USofA back in May. She was heard
pointing out what not to do when putting on her make-up.
A special hello to
the straight boy,
Caleb, who
has decided that he needs to be a part of our merry crowd. I hope his wife will
not be to bitter to all of the new friends he has made. Or more importantly, I
hope he was not too traumatized by the sight of Dena’s well developed pecs.
On a theology
note, for those of you that believe that
Jerry Bird,
our illustrious Daddy is the real
God, that
makes
Lou-ise H
the one and only
Jesus Christ.
I guess that means that the ever popular
Alicia must
be related to the Virgin Mary. If you don’t understand the relationship, Mary
must have had relations with God before we get the son. Alicia was clear to
point out that it was for other things, not for a title.
n an amazing
moment of independence,
Kimbol P
stumbled into the room ( without his ever present body guard who shall remain
nameless). When Kimbol stole the straight boy and headed off to who knows where
for who knows what a cry was heard around the world, “You have judged your last
pageant, Bitch” In a move at conciliation, Lucky the str8 boy offered Lou a
beer. Can you say 1 + 1 + 1 = a very exciting night for three people possibly.
Well, we know that
if
Kimbol
can’t judge any more pageants, Lou is definitely qualified to do so. The
constructive criticism he provided
Aunt Kim
would look great on any comment sheet. Something along the lines of “What are
you looking at queen, you are the one with that bad crown and bad gown. Don’t
blame me for your losing”
If you think that
this was exciting, I believe
Earl from
Kalani
productions will be selling tapes of the after hours experiences as well. That
is probably a good idea since I doubt that many of the partiers will remember
much when they wake up, eventually.
Word of warning
for tonight, do not bring Waffle House (the only 24 hour place to dine in this
town) leftovers anywhere near Darryl K, (you know he is a real dude) if you
value your life. He will destroy anything in his way in an attempt to get them
for himself. Just ask poor
Mahogany Knight.
Well,
Miss Glitterbug,
from Ashton Taylor’s group, made quite an entrance as she was trying to organize
a three way in 511. She got them up to the room, but things got a little
messy. The local
Aunt Kim
police force was called in to restore order. Where exactly was
Anita’s
friend, Mr. Security when he was needed. It should be noted that Miss Mann did
not get her man. All she scored from him was some oatmeal, waffles, and cold
juice.
It seems that the
“Lee Press on Cheeks” are quite popular this weekend, congrats to
Miss Lucy
on the newly redecorated face. She was quite proud of the new nose she is
sporting as well.
I must say a
special thank you to
Karla. She
served as the official bar keep for the high quality, special reserve, box of
wine. I believe it was vintage October 2001, a very good week at that.
Kofi, has
opened up a new restaurant in one of the local hotel room baths, seems that her
salad bar is open and the salad is a tossing, One customer mentioned that all
that was left was some cole slaw.
I think that poor
den mother to the stars
Kimberly Joan
should take some lessons from the professional chaperones that are with the
chicken on the third floor. They seemed to have better control over their
charges then poor Kimmy. It was all she could do to deliver queens to their
beds. Once deposited in their room, she would make another check of the halls
and find the last people she bedded down, back in the lobby for another round.
It may only be November but Kim is on Snow Patrol already. At least
Kimbol
found a nice place to sprawl out under the travel center in the lobby while
waiting for
Whitney’s
special brand of happiness.
While competing
for the Miss Gossip crown tonight.
Miss Peyton
was full of quotes, “I am not a whore, Drunk and Horny, but not a whore.” And
“If I don’t win Miss Congeniality, she is going to shoot somebody.” Our head
judge Lou, followed up by advising her to return to Continental, cuz she has
screwed up talent tonight.
Speaking of
whores,
Troy wants
to point out that he is not a whore, but to
Ashton’s
dismay, he will be available for the right price. Now, what the difference is,
I do not know. I guess she has learned who she needs to leave behind before
competing in her next pageant, and that will be a boy one at that. Who knew.
Right!
Miss
Taylor has
tried unsuccessfully to follow in her aunt’s heels, but she should have known
that if she couldn’t control her own boys, there was no way in hell she could
control the kids in the lobby while Kim was on snow patrol.
Overheard at
interview today, from
Michelle P,
hurry up and finish the interview, I have an appointment at the bookstore.
A special thanks
to the hotel staff for a wonderful time here. The staff has bent over backwards
to make this a great place to stay. I don’t know, but I bet we could even get
some of them to compete in the contest next year. A final quote from Kim, “The
lobby is closed, you all are enough to make a good hotel staff go bad.” I hope
everybody is well rested for tonight; it is time to crown a new Miss Gay USofA
at Large. It has been a fantastic week here, so until we meet again in Dallas
and my pen turns this shit and ink into the gossip that makes us love the world
that we have created, be good, play safe, and remember that I am always and
forever…
Yours,
Bette
Sunday Update:
Greetings,
Salutations and an aditional welcome to Sunday late morning. While my daily cup
of tea is being printed, it is time to update you once again.
Seems that
Miss Kelexis
has been quite the
busy girl this morning. She has organized an entire brigade of Day’s Inn
Housekeepers on the second floor. As we speak, they are a highly trained army
of organizers preparing her for tonight. They are armed with irons, iron
boards, and keys to the many suites her entourage has taken over.
Just a note to you
sleepy contestants, It would be in your benefit to be bright eyed and bushy
tailed at 9:00 tonight. According to the contest rules you must be present (and
awake) to claim any prizes or positions in the Top Twelve.
While wandering
the hotel this morning, the premises were quite quiet and empty. In fact the
only signs of life were
Kelexis and
Leslie Ryan.
Miss Leslie has
come up with a new plan to ensure that she is in the finals tonight and to
improve her odds of winning. She is going to visit Whitney and get 21 of her
famous Happy Pills. Since the pills contain a magic ingredient that draws
people to the food court, she figured that if she fed them to all of the other
contestants she would be the only one to attend Final Night.
Miss Puddles
the dressing room
monitor is at it again today.
Mary Jane
the Food Court Monitor had to fight her to the death to try and get her to stop
cleaning up the tables down there.
Since you probably
have not been tuned in to CNN I will give you all a war update. President
George W
has a new plan to end the Taliban. He is going to airlift a team of
Cross-dressing Special Forces At Large led by
5 Diamond General Whitney Paige
into Afghanistan.
With all the havoc and disruption that the Big Girls can create, there is no
doubt that the Taliban will fall just in time for
Dena Cass
to jump on
Yo Mama Bin Laden’s
ass and perform a victory dance. Once again I remind you to be good, play
safe, and remember that I am still always and forever…
Yours,
Bette
Saturday, November 10
Greetings, Salutations, and a grand Smokey Mountain welcome to the Saturday
cup of tea. This is not to be confused with Kofi, who has been trying to serve
up her won style of Southern Hospitality all weekend. The quote for the day is
“Where is that little Bryan?” If you have not met Bryan, I am sure you will by
the end of the week. Bryan has officially been made part of the prize package
for the USofA system.
I hope that everyone has been enjoying the fantastic mall next door.
Please remember that the final step to shopping is to make payment at a cash
register. I heard that the mall is becoming more popular by the minute. And
not just for the sales. Seems that the rumor has spread that the bathrooms are
quite cruisy there. From what I have heard, it’s not just a bathroom, but all
of them. Now for you tranzi’s, you can not enter the men’s room for illicit
encounters if you have breasts. Sorry to disappoint you.
Now where could this rumor have come from? Could it be the missing judge?
Miss Della was among the missing for many hours yesterday. Seems she was
spotted in the company of the one and only Aunt Kim. They were last seen
entering one of the aforementioned rooms of ill repute.
For those of you that have been searching for the location of the local
bookstore, head no further the lobby. Ron Jacobs was playing concierge and
providing detail directions to the emporium of adult entertainment. Michelle
Preston and Brandie Tyler are organizing carpools there for later today.
Well, Illinois has done a wonderful job of providing the welcome wagon for
here in North Carolina. A special thank you goes out to David for the pleasure
he brought to a poor unsuspecting young man. This unnamed soul did have one
comment, he was amazed that the boy was so skilled orally and could still hold a
conversation.
Ashton Taylor’s beautiful dresser Troy says he was looking for trouble last
night. Apparently he found it, he just can’t remember if it was little trouble
or big trouble. See, drinking is good, but in moderation.
The pageant staff would like to send there sincere appreciation to Miss
Taylor for providing the official Miss USofA at Large welcome wagon. Your
dancers have added new definitions to the word friendly.
Now, rumor has it that there was a presumed snow fall in Club Odyssey last
night. Just a reminder to everyone that there is a zero tolerance for the use
of controlled substances while at the club.
While on the subject of behaviors, on a serious note, it seems that some of
our group may have been forgetting to pay for some of the beautiful goodies at
the local mall. Everyone should know that the local police are watching the
mall closely. And to the contestants in particular. You are responsible for
the actions of all of your entourage. How they behave can affect you as well.
So everyone, please make sure that you make your way to the check out counter
every time.
If Ron Talley looked like he was missing his shining smile yesterday, it was
because his name has been appearing in print. Seems like the life of a
celebrity doesn’t suit him well. So if you see him, give him a friendly hello,
and then ask him to explain what he has been doing to get in print.
On another note, just a friendly hello goes out to Kimbol Purkerson. He
has been working hard to keep his name out of the paper. See even the good get
mentioned in here. Keep up the good work.
Just to let everyone know, we have now had the first preliminary to next
year’s pageant. The new Miss Bookstore USofA at Large is Michelle Preston.
Because of previous scheduling Kofi could not attend, but Dena Cass stepped in
and crowned our new winner.
If you think Baija seems to be in a good mood, she is. Seems Miss Towers
has got herself a young admirer. Or is it because she got a brand new pair of
Lee press on lips and cheeks. However, she is afraid that it is not going to
stay, so she has ordered another set for Sunday.
The quote for the day is “Does it Hurt? Oh yes, but it feels so good!” Now
find the big old bottom that spoke those words a few times in last few days.
Happy Hunting. It should not be hard to find him, he is constantly on the prowl
in the hotel looking for some more.
And just who was it that was out in the parking lot yesterday morning. The
hotel still has rooms available, so there is no need for the backup dancers to
hold their meetings there.
The hotel staff seems to be enjoying us here. The housekeeping staff has
been known to knock on room doors at ungodly early hours, just to see the
freaks. They just don’t understand that we homosexuals do not get up until
after 12:00. The housekeepers did seem to enjoy congregating in the parking lot
to watch the talent rehearsals. We love you girls.
Update on Mr. Phillip Harper (AKA Anita Mann) does not seem to need a man.
She was last seen waiting in the hotel lobby for the security guard to get
off…work. I guess he can attribute this luck to his new cruising accessories.
He proudly wore his over the shoulder man bag that displayed his driver’s
license. He even pointed out that it had all of his important stats, including
appropriate inches.
Attention Darryl K. You still have not claimed part of your USofA at Large
prize package (see above). He has been knocking on your door all night to give
himself up to you. He has asked for you to be reminded that it is not polite to
ask a boy over and then not answer the door. The boys do have a tendency to get
cranky while they wait for you. For the record, he is still waiting.
A missing person’s report has been filed for Lilly Markstone. Seems she
left the pageant without the people she brought and was not seen by anyone for
quite a while. (editor’s note: she has given permission for all of her exploits
to be published, since her husband has a snowball’s chance in hell of getting
the computer turned on and finding the tea.) We are starting to keep a score
card for Miss Missouri. She has already scored with Slutty, Horny, Trashy, and
twice with Tiny. (She had to do Tiny twice before it counted as one whole
person.)
Just a note to all of the residents of the 5th Floor. The top
floor of the hotel is reserved for a special class of people. We do not iron
our clothes in the middle of the hallway like the rest of the common folks. Or
is the ironing board outside of Kofi’s room because there is not space in there
from her gentlemen callers.
I hope that everyone pays attention to the schedule for today. Interview
will be running very quickly, so be sure and come by early and you can probably
be done quite early. And for the record, despite what was told tonight during
Talent, Jerry Bird is the original and only God. Well till the sun rises on the
Final Day of Miss Gay USofA at Large, be good, play safe and remember I am
always and forever…
Yours,
Bette
Friday, November 9, 2001
Greetings, Salutations, and a grand North Carolina welcome to the Big Show.
It is Miss Gay USofA at Large time again, they mean it. This year the girls are
living larger than life and happy to show it to you. In fact, there’s not a
whole lot they won’t show you. For those of you that are new to the USofA
system, this is the place to find out what is really going on here in
Winston-Salem.
Now to get the tea spilled, we shall start with that illustrious reigning
title holder, Miss Kofi. The girl is offering free morning coffee, just as long
as you bring your own cream. That could be a really good morning wake-up.
It seems that there are some hot boys here. Well, they are trying to be
boys, but if you hang out in the dressing room long enough, you find out that
they are really girls. Just ask the boy that Miss Teen Springfield was lusting
after. Seems she was enamored with one of Holly Vegas’s dancers. Well, Miss
Brandy seemed to be doing well with the dancer, and then suddenly the truth of
the drag past came out and Miss Teen was destined to be single for the night.
Speaking of Holly Vegas, we would like to thank her and Mahogany Knight for
providing the buffet. So all you undersexed men, be sure and visit their
rooms. If this year is like past you won’t be disappointed with the
Springfield’s finest.
Well, we have only been here for one day, and it seems that Ron Talley has
gotten his name in the paper already. Now I am not the one to report
unsubstantiated rumors, but I have it on a very reliable source, alright, he
said it himself, but Ron is on the hunt to capture a judge. Now all of you
distinguish judges, don’t get so excited, he has his heart set on a specific
one. If you don’t know who I am talking about, be sure and check last year’s
Miss USofA editions for a reference. I am sure, however, that by the end of the
week, we will all know who he is lusting over.
Dena is still trying to get directions to the bookstore (for Kofi, of
course). If no one has directions, I think Dena is going to start (as a public
service) providing bookstore services some where here in the hotel.. Miss Cass,
Kim Crawford has volunteered to rent you a conference room and some video
tapes.
As long as we are on the topic of Dena, what exactly were you doing in 217
with your breasts hanging out (as opposed to them not hanging out) in the wee
hours of the morning? Is Porkchop going into business with you?
Richard from Houston, he is searching. That is a direct quote from him.
Now what exactly he is searching for we do not know, however he did confess to
enjoying breast pressed up against his back.
As a public service, could some kind soul please ask the city of
Winston-Salem to please unroll the sidewalks after the bar. The million dollar
question is “Where do you buy cigarettes, and other party supplies when the sun
has gone down and is about to rise again?”
Compliments to John Foutz on his finding a new way to the hotel from the
bar. Seems the promoter from Georgia was halfway to Atlanta before he realized
he had turned the wrong direction. But he did say it was a lovely neighborhood.
Miss Markstone from Florida has come to North Carolina to shed her Mary
Poppins reputation. Someone said she was acting a lot like Snow White, but by
the end of the night she could only be called SNOW. I hope your face thaws out
soon.
Fashion update. Since the style trendsetter could not be here this week,
They have stolen the style and can be seen wandering the halls in various
moo-moo’s and Kaftans. I think they are adding a new category to replace
Evening Gown in competition.
The Florida promoter already must have read the job description left by the
previous promoter. Michael B was last seen gathering a gaggle of young boys
(well when they take their dresses off, they pretend to be boys) into the
elevator to help them “get into trouble”. Good job Mr. Burton, Andrew has left
you some very big pumps to fill but you’re doing well.
If you sleep in late and miss the maid service, be sure and call Miss
Kimberly Joan Crawford. She has spent all of her free time cleaning the hotel.
If you hear a stray vacuum cleaner at 4:00 am, it’s only Joan.
A special shout out to the lovely couple that wandered the hotel with camera
in hand searching desperately for misbehaving contest goers. Seems they
want ever so badly to be in this weeks newspaper but need lessons on what to do.
They will pay heavily, just to be guilty.
And can someone fill me in on what was going on in room 420. A strange
pair of gentlemen, and I must they were definitely strange were seen roaming the
floors after having been booted out of the room. Well, upon further
research (read, standing in the hall with ear pressed to the door) all that can
be reported is Dena Cass quite loudly saying "I can't have sex with him"
Strange things are certainly afoot at the Day's Inn.
Well, till the star filled day of the review show finds us be happy, play
safe and remember that I am always and forever,
Yours...
Bette
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