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Tea with Bette D.
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Tea with Bette D.
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Greetings, salutations, and a grand Dallas welcome to Miss USofA 2003, and our first issue of the USofA Today newsletter. First and foremost I would like to mention that this column is written purely in fun. Any and all information found in The Tea is nothing but innocent gossip submitted by your fellow pageant goers.
Where else to start the first Tea of a pageant, than with the traditional Missouri boys status report. It is with great sadness that I inform you that Cliffy, our official welcome wagon, is unable to attend this years festivities. But don't worry, the boys from Missouri have been practicing to take his place for the week. Felicia wants to make sure that everyone has someone to love. And just to make sure that she knows how to do it, she practiced the week before in a lovely hot tub. You ask, what does this have to do with Dallas, well, she had an audience the size of Texas to grade and score this little performance. I cannot report that I know just where this fun loving Candy Crew is, but they were last seen headed to the den of sin across the street. They swear it was on a mission of mercy to help out some unsuspecting innocents who forgot all their party supplies (no not those party supplies) but I never know who to believe.
Speaking of welcome wagons, it seems that the lovely Wendy Williams was spotted in the lobby before registration awaiting the arrival of her dancers, and asking random blue-haired boys if they "like girls" as she unzips her top for all to see. Looks like this first timer will have no problems fitting in this week.
Innocent flower that I am, I'm wondering just what it is that is going on in the bathroom at the Village Station. I've heard stories of "hot cruising" by former contestants but no names were revealed. I guess they need something to keep the monitors busy in there.
Kelexis Davenport was spotted trying to get a Spanish lesson from the "latin lover" himself, Mr. Norell. She was last heard asking for the meanings of some very graphic foreign words. It seems that last years "math teachers" have decided to stay in the business, but change their curriculum.
A personal message for Mr. Markstone - technically it's not sexual harassment if your wife's boss lust after you—that's when your wife's boss lusts after her. I guess the only definition for your situation is FUN. You go boy!
A special congratulations to Daryl C.! He received the award for the best impersonation of a real man this afternoon at registration. Are you here for the pageantry or the trade?
It appears that Jesse has a new daddy. Just to clarify, this is Jessie with a J, as in the cute door boy at the bar, not Gesse with a G, as in the wiener dog roaming the Radisson halls. My question is which one's going to get the spanking, Jesse or Lou.
It seems that even with the hectic schedule this week, our fabulous MC's have found a way to get their discount shopping done while on stage. Anyone needing bonus points might want to grab their hot glue gun and any random rhinestones they have and get to work on a new handbag for Kofi.
Rumor has it their is a homeless shelter for pooches has set up at the Radisson. Not exactly sure where this would be located....yo quiero Santiago!
A quick side note to all, the hand towels found in your rooms say sovereign, not souvenir. They are 81% cotton, 19% polyester, and 0% last nights face. Let's keep them that way. Speaking of hotel property, a friendly reminder.....please do not tape anything to doors or walls. You'll find it's much more fun to hang them on backup dancers and parade them through the halls all night.
Newsflash.......it seems that during the wee hours of the morning, Mitchell from Illinois has decided to further his education and get additional math lessons. Now all we need is an english lesson on the correct definition of bisexual.
As for definitions, it seems that we have a new one for all you busy boys and girls. Seems that you can define karma sutra sex. It is "when the sex act is all in your head." We can thank Miss Mornet from Missouri.
Seems the hot tub has already been put to good use. However, I think that poor Club Dallas may be in for some competition. To all the contestants here, when your backup dancers tell you the water is out and they need to get a shower, it is a lie. There is no need to head to the baths to take a shower.
Now I know that we all love the Radisson and their lovely front desk personnel, but what is up with the indoor pool in the North Wing of the first floor. When I make my nightly strolls, I should not have to bring a swimsuit and towel just to get from one end of the building to another.
Now, I know I try to be a good reporter, but my sources are a little rusty (could it be from the wet hallway?) But I did pickup this handy piece of pageant etiquette. Never let your potential trade out of your sight, you just might get locked in the hallway while he serves his buffet up for someone else. As soon as I have names, you will have names. Stay tuned for this developing story.
Let's all give it up for the hunk working security at the front door of the Village Station. I hear he is for rent, but only if you have the equivalent of several thousand dollars.
It is wonderful to see all the returning faces here in Dallas. It is like we are one great big family. It is especially nice to see Carlos' smiling face back again. And if you missed it, he can be found in the lobby all alone at 5:00 am. Will someone please keep him company.
I know this Tea is short and sweet, but I am a busy career woman. I need help to keep my stories flowing, so if you witness, hear about, or just plain want to tattle on your friends, slip a note under the door of room 820 and it might just end up in print. Remember, if you keep the tea flowing on everyone else, then there's no room for the misdeeds of your own doing. Till the sun rises on another fun filled day in Dallas and the festivities descend upon you, be good, play safe, and remember I am always and forever...
Yours,
Bette
Greetings, salutations, and a bright and festive welcome to this our third day of competition. I would like to thank all of you right from the start for committing the sins in the past 24 hours that make my little column possible. My children never let me down.
To kick things off, we seem to be having a "denial workshop" in room 815. Or at least a major case of denial. Now, I for one have no idea what the resident is denying, but I have it on a rather good source, that it is quite juicy.
A special Tuesday morning howdy do to Mitch. He seems to be quite the popular boy. I believe his dance card has been filled with Erika or was that Erica, or wait I can't keep those two straight. But either way, Mr. Mitch has been spotted all over the hotel. And when he can't be found, he leaves some very disappointed boys behind. Lou
I hope everyone enjoyed their evening tonight. Some apparently had more fun than others. Now, I am not one to spill names, Alex aka JBT1978, was last seen a little past the partying stage. And where was he seen, but on the third floor and when I say the FLOOR I mean the FLOOR. I guess some boys need to learn if you want to try and spill the tea on everyone, you better be able to handle your own drinks first. When you are getting ready to party the night away, remember two things, "When to say 'when'" and "Karma".
Now everyone's favorite door guy John has been a very good boy this week, at least on the outside. However, his new motto is "Sex is best when its just in your mind."
Now dear Miss Congeniality, You swore you would keep your name out of the paper this week. You have been a good Christian woman at the hotel, but what exactly did transpire out front of the bar last night. Inquiring minds want to know.
A side note to the candy crew, if you are going to be around for a while, grab a Snickers Bar. It satisfies, just ask the boy from Wisconsin.
Now can someone fill me in on exactly what Ricky was doing on his knees when that lovely back up dancer was pointing out exactly how long it is. A classic Ricky moment. I love you hunny. If you all remember from the tea a few pageants back, Rick has a taste for former titleholders. Well you know those finicky eaters, now he wants them while they still have their crowns.
Has anyone seen poor Michael from Jacksonville. he was last reported to be wandering the parking lots on Mockingbird Lane, demanding better service from Burger King, spilling his Tea, and trying to figure out how to get 72.00 worth of fast food to his starving compatriots.
Since we have Florida on the brain. seems that some better planning may be in order for next year, don't bring a slew of dancers and only one drivers license between them. When the call of the wild is heard, someone is going to get left waiting for a cab at the Village Station.
For those that need to get to the bar tonight, Flava C is now offering a scenic tour of Dallas with stops at all the exciting nightlife—including but not limited to the clubs on Cedar Springs.
A special shout goes out to my dear friend Jeff, the crash test dummy. When his evening gown card is read tonight expect quite a long list of sponsors. He swears up and down, its not just a list of people he slept with.
Miss Kitty is having quite the week. She was waiting patiently for the Wednesday cocktail events, but now her rent a friend will not be able to attend. So if you have any beautiful arm candy, send them her way.
Dena and Kofi have been fantastic all week. We love them, but just a warning the weather may change soon. Latest forecasts call for the Tampa Bay Tornado to arrive tonight. This may get real exciting! Paging Schlager, Paging Mr. Gold Schlager.
For those of you keeping track, the report of free oral exercise clinics to be given in the sauna this morning has proven false, the only thing going on resulted in a few lost socks. If you are a certain well, ok very well, endowed dancer of Joy's you can reclaim your missing sock from Sheldon, the official USofA clothing collector.
The other thing that was learned at the "Spa" is that silicone definitely floats.
Davin, we noticed that you disappeared last night. I must warn you to be careful, cuz it looks a little dark out.
Tina, do keep better track of your pets. One was lost last night and wandering into rooms. He had no clue where he was at all.
Suggestion time...if you have yet to do talent this week, make sure that all of your dancers wear under garments to rehearsals. You never know when the crotch of your pants might rip exposing your "crown jewels" to the rest of the contestants.
A special salute goes out to Mom Kalani She is winner of Survivor: The Elevator. Seems she spent a few hours of not so quiet solitude in the North Tower elevator with only the alarm to keep her company.
Since Kalani is on the mind, Earl darling, who was the tasty morsel you were dragging around the hotel last night. Make sure you get him a happy meal for lunch, he looked a little hungry.
Now, until a new day dawns, and the excitement of a day off hits, its time to be good, play safe, and remember I am always and forever…
Yours,
Bette
Just nominated for an academy award for best “Short Subject” film is that classic Tale of the top 5 drag queen who isn’t competing at Miss Gay USofA this year and her trials and tribulations as she wanders the hallways of life. Also nominated for best actor in a supporting role was the dancer from Chanel’s group who lent his best ASSets to the scenery.
Bill from Springpatch, MO is quite the object of affection. Our USofA Today staff has been contacted by our first advertiser. He wishes to place a lost and found ad for Bill’s heart. So Joey, from Pennsylvania, good luck getting your wish.
If you are planning a talent number and are preparing for a bar with a small stage, MoonPie, Skittles, & Fruit by the Foot are available. The only drawback is the only number they have prepared is Vogue and it must be presented in a moving elevator.
Yesterday we had information on the new scenic tours of Dallas. It appears that they have hired a new driver for the company. Carrianne Winters gave the staff and judges a beautiful tour of Highland Park. Too bad the passengers had signed up for a tour of Target on the other side of Dallas.
Girls, Girls Girls, no matter how fishy you feel this week, it just doesn't matter how much ‘mone you take, you still aint gonna need that EPT from Walgreen's.
I must say it was much quieter around the hotel last night. We had no visitors from Dallas’s Finest come out to clean up the messy internet queens tonight. In fact, I noticed that JBT1978 was among the missing. I guess there isn't a screen name big enuff to hide behind inside of the Village.
Tommie Ross, I don’t think I have ever had the pleasure pf putting her name in print. All I can say is this: I hear the goddess was seen laying on the floor of Village Station. Nothing cheesy about that. (Now I know this doesn't really qualify as gossip, but it’s the closest I will ever come with a classy dame like Tommie.)
How bout that Maya Douglas fan and her rhinestone purse's). Not only did she give the one to Dena, but she showed up at the bar with another one tonight. Her lovely male escort made it quite clear that she would NOT be giving this one away to anyone.
The weather is supposed to be beautiful today, so I think I will try and catch up on the tea by the pool. Sometimes I feel like I am just living in a box and that I need to get out once in a while. Till morning breaks and we roll into a new day be good, play safe and remember I am always and forever…
Yours,
Bette
Greetings, Salutations and a grand USofA welcome to the Final Night of pageantry for 2003. As the sun rises on this beautiful Texas morning, I have prepared a double dose of delectable tea for you.
The first cup belongs to none other than that Queen of Queens, Mr. Haskell. Mr H has kept many an interested man and even a lesbian enthralled with lessons on bookstore etiquette. The most popular lesson involved that tasty treat the Crunchy Gordita sniff. Private lessons are available to all who ask. Those with both shaved heads and acrylic nails may move to the front of the line.
An update on a previous scoop, the saok lost at the hot tub has been returned. Another happy reunion. The only thing was when it left the lost and found it wasn't on a foot, 10 “ maybe, but not a foot.
For those that did not hear the truck horn honk on Wednesday night, Earl of Kalani Video fame has been busted. Seems he and Mr. Logan Hunter were involved in some not so innocent games in the front seat of his truck. Logan got a little excited and bumped his head into the car horn.
And now, I must make a correction to a column that appeared in 1999 in Indianapolis, IN. Those of you who were at the Deluxe Econolodge hotel may well remember my attempts at keeping score on Cliffy’s conquests. Well Earl has proudly pointed out that his tryst with Cliffy was never reported. That omission has been corrected.
Well, Logan and Earl were not the only ones busy in the parking lot, A young back up dancer named Jeremy was found stark naked in a motorhome on Thursday morning. I don't know if Jeremy from MO even knows who took advantage of him that night.
Michael K of Wisconsin fame has found a new beau for the week. I think he plans to marry him just so he can get a full last name.
A special howdy do to Virginia West who comes to us from the east. Seems she got lucky the other night. And by coincidence I also send a shout out to Destiny E. These are two lovely budding lesbians after that affair.
Dear John F. AOL called and You’ve got mail. Or is it male. For John’s sake, I hope it is a response to those online personal ads you were placing the other night.
You all remember Tina’s pet that got a little lost the other night, well, it seems he got a little lost at Village Station the other night. One minute he was parting at the Village, then he woke up in a cab at the Hotel.
A special congrats to Dena and Kofi on a job well done, You guys were great on the mic.
A few of the pageants finest had a fabulous time cruising the local bookshops. I hear there only complaint was that it wasn't trashy enuff. How much trash can a boy want. Maybe they should have hired Stacie H as their tour guide.
For those of you that have missed him, Kimbol P is now in town. For those of you that have not met him, Kimbol is one of the original Mr. USA’s and he is the original Mr. Party Animal.
His first runner up in the party animal contest, Ron T has also shown dup here in Big D. I don't know if Dallas can survive another invasion by these two partying guys.
If you remember back to my first column of the week, I mentioned Felica practicing for this week in a hot tub. I think the lessons paid off. However, she had to move into the sauna to do the real job. You go girl.
For those of you that have been cruising the USofA Discussion groups, I have a bit off online gossip for you. Seems that the famous Hedda Lettis has had a change of heart. After spewing post after post of vile and venom, her fangs have broken. She even broke down and apologized for all the hatefulness.
Another online addict, Reading expert Connie from Tampa Bay has been quite the popular woman. She even entertained a gentleman caller last night. And when I say entertained, I mean entertained, complete with candles . A true hostess with the mostest.
For the record, Lauren Taylor has been a good girl, and no she did not just check out of the Bette Ford, she has just been enjoying a delightful, but drag free time in Texas.
If you see Kitty D wandering the hotel today, be sure and give her a hug, she has the shakes and is suffering form the DT. I think it is cased by withdrawal from the internet. Poor girl.
Mystyk has been a busy girl tonight. My spies tell me she was cruising the internet looking for a massage with full release. I think that is a euphemism for something more. A hotel full of oversexed homosexuals and she is looking online, Who Knew?
Queen Justice was holding court in the lobby tonight, for a good Christian woman she always seems to be in the center of everything. And for the record, Carrianne is a judge, and is off limits until tonight.
Speaking of Carrianne, the zoo called. It seems they have an unhappy elephant, he missed his nightly dose of meds. Any clue where those tranks are or what happened to them.
Well another week has come and gone. Tonight we will crown a new Miss Gay USofA. I hope everyone leaves Dallas with pleasant memories of this family reunion. Till we return to Dallas and gather to crown another larger than life entertainer, I shall bid farewell and set down my pen. Till then I leave you with this parting advice, be good, play safe and remember I am always and forever…
Yours,
Bette